Thirty-Nine Seconds of Almost Nothing

Do you think the universe is being fair to you?

I ask myself this at least three times a day, even on the days I'm doing okay. Sometimes I wonder if fate was already written for us before we were even born. The good, the bad, the worst, the magic. What's the appropriate way to cope? To face challenges? And to... Preserve happiness, even when nothing's really wrong?

I'm having a slightly confusing day today. I was fine when I woke up, and stayed fine until noon. I don't even know what happened between then and now, it's uh—5:30 PM, and I have tears running down my cheeks. I kept typing a sentence, a paragraph, then holding the delete button for almost 40 seconds. Do you know how many words disappear in 40 seconds? Almost my entire train of thought. Oh, how I envy my own keyboard! If only my negative thoughts erased that easily.

People panic when they lose unsaved progress on their device. "You're already halfway there," they say, "you just need to finish it." But I don't know which is the worse feeling: not knowing how to finish, or wishing I could delete the whole file and start clean. Because maybe... just maybe—if I could actually turn back time to before I even started, I could do something completely different. Do you think I might actually have a chance at a better outcome?

I need to leave it like this for now. My butt is quite sore from sitting too long in the kitchen's dining area—which is, funnily enough, my favourite place in this home. There's a decent-sized window on the upper part of the wall, facing the dining table. Every day, I can see the sunset light reflecting and beaming its glow through the glass. The wall behind the seat I'm always sitting in has this really nice dusky orange tone reflected on it. This is when and where I usually realise it's almost another chapter closed for the day, as the darkness starts sweeping through, and I have to turn on the kitchen light. It makes me sad, because I realise another day has passed, and I'm still stagnant here—just pushing backspace, sitting, and waiting until that orange light disappears.